my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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