Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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