I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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