My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
