I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
