Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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