I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
