Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
