there's paper in my vomit.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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