I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
NoShamevember. You game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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