Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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