I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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