please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
