I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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