What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
