Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
