I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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