I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
