I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
