I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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