i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
