He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
