I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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