Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Pants are for mortals
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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