I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
