I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
