ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
