I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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