I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
