From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize