i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
