mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
