So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
