I'm so fucking centered right now
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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