Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
