On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Your tits are I can't wait for
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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