my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
