i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
