I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
