last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
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drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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