Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
