dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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