im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
