you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
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