i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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