I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
