She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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