and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
