hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
