I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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