she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
