I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
