Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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