It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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