Umm I'm too high to move.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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