I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
