I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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